Dad, what was the worst thing you saw in Vietnam?

I have two sons, ages ten and four, and in time they will ask me this question.

I could tell them;
I was a door gunner on a helicopter gun ship with the 129th A.H.C. unit name COBRA. I was stationed in An Son. I went over with an M.O.S. of sheet metal repairman. I worked on repairing damaged helicopters. I wanted to do more, so I volunteered to be a door gunner. I was assigned to the Cobras, it's what I wanted.

Dad, what was the worst thing you saw in Vietnam?

I could tell them;
The day I was called out on an ASAP flight to assist a company of Grunts in the field being transported in A.P.C.'s under a mortar attack. Upon our arrival, I saw the trail A.P.C. on fire, it's obvious that it was hit by a mortar. Four or five grunts exiting from the rear, one on fire, one crawling out without his legs, one walking out without his left arm, the other two were o.k., it seems. We flew up to the lead A.P.C. It was also hit and on fire but no one was coming out. Then our lead gun ship was hit with small arms fire from the ground, the peter pilot was hit. They had to leave, enroute to the hospital. It left us to cover the Grunts, one ship, we flew low and fast firing everything we had. We called out for a second Cobra ASAP. We were it until a ship could get to our location to assist.

Dad, what was the worst thing you saw in Vietnam?

I could tell them;
About how beautiful Vietnam was and how the war was killing the country.

But that was not the worst thing I saw.

I could tell them;
That on that day while protecting the Grunts on the ground, I was firing at anything that moved or just plain anything.

I could tell them;
That we were trying to keep Charlie's head down while the Medivac chopper went in to get the wounded Grunts out, and in doing so I probably killed some people.

Dad, what was the worst thing you saw in Vietnam?

I could tell them;
About the people of Vietnam. How they just wanted to be left alone and work their land and just didn't care about the war.

But that's still not the worst thing I saw.

Dad, what was the worst thing you saw in Vietnam?

I could tell them;
About the kids their age eating out of garbage cans and eating food days old with maggots in it. Food spoiled from sitting in the hot sun. Or that these kids ate the spoiled food because they had no food to eat for days and when you're that hungry you'll eat anything.

Dad, what was the worst thing you saw in Vietnam?

I could tell them;
About the kids their age lying on the roadside dead, from a bullet fired from an M-16 or AK-47. Didn't matter who fired the gun, our side or their side, the kids were dead.

But, again, that was not the worst thing I saw in Vietnam.

Dad, what was the worst thing you saw in Vietnam?

I could tell them;
About the many missions I flew in Vietnam and how many people I killed or saved on each mission, seen or unseen or how much destruction I helped cause. But, again, that was not the worst I'd seen.

Dad, what was the worst thing you saw in Vietnam?

I guess I would have to tell them it was me.
Because one morning I looked into a mirror and I couldn't see me anymore. What I saw in the mirror years later was a young man who had lost his feelings for life. The joy of being alive and the joy of everything around him.I sit at times and watch other people and I watch the joy they get from doing and seeing simple things around them, where I don't feel. I've lost it somewhere in Vietnam, my ability to get enjoyment out of things or to care as I know I should. I feel I've lost the ability to care.

I won't let myself look too far forward into the future because death and disappointment lay just around the corner and death and disappointment hurts. I did a lifetime of hurting in Vietnam. Seeing friends get shot or killed.

So I'd have to answer my sons' question of, Dad, what was the worst thing you saw in Vietnam?

ME!

Barry Winkler